What The Oval Office Waffle Iron Repairman Heard
This report, having been sanitized for national security breaches, and recorded by a waffle iron repairman in the Oval Office, testifies to the iron willed resolve of President George W. Bush. Former First Lady, Barbara Bush enters to confer with her son, 43rd President of The United States.
"George, you had me waiting in line."
"Orange-purple alert, Mom."
"But I'm your mother."
"Terrorists everywhere or haven't you heard."
"Every passing day you sound more like that awful, Dick Cheney."
"Big Dick is a great American, Mom. You should know better; country owes him a debt of gratitude."
"Don't tell me about Dick Cheney. I've known him a lot longer than you have."
"Have not."
"He'd sell rearview mirrors to sharks, and poison gas for oil deals."
"That was Don Rumsfeld."
"Donnie is sweet but I still check my pearls after a kiss from him. But you always made poor choices in friends."
"Like?"
"Well, like little Timothy Davidson. Always stealing your bike."
"I always stole it back, plus his roller sakes, and his sister's bat."
"Now his brother, Matthew, there was a model of a boy. Three star general isn't he?"
"I think you're referring to Lieutenant Davidson."
"George, you didn't."
"First lieutenant."
"George, George."
"Mother, what is it you came to see me about? I'm real busy today."
"Um . . . George?"
"Yeah?"
"That man over by the federalist card table, what's he doing?'
"Fixing the Oval Office waffle iron."
"Isn't that a microphone in his ear?"
"Cheney's giving him instructions on fixing the thing."
"Good grief!"
"Being from Montana, The Vice President knows all about griddle cakes. You know, Mother, you should be standing up for us, all the things they're saying about Dick and me."
"Like who?"
"Like, commentator Maureen Dowd."
"She's such a bitch."
"Mother!"
"I can't help it. She's such a bitchy bitch, but I love her."
"See what I mean!"
"Oh, fiddlesticks."
"Mom, you're talking to the President."
"Don't scold me, George, I've slept with two of them."
"Mother!"
"Ohh, you and your father."
"Oh . . . Well you know, ol' Bill really got around."
"Foo. George, what I wanted to know was, according to stories last week."
"Don't believe 'em."
"From Richard Clarke."
"Lies, all lies."
"Donald Rumsfeld as Defense Secretary wanted to bomb Iraq the day after 9/11."
"See, you go off on your own and you start believing everything you read by our enemies - Dowd, Clarke, Powell."
"So Donnie didn't say 'there aren't any good targets in Afghanistan and there are lots of good targets in Iraq?'"
"Nope."
"He and Cheney didn't seek to link Iraq with the 9/11 attacks because they and Wolfowitz, Pearl, Bolton and others held a long burning desire to overthrow Saddam and take over Iraq?"
"Nope."
"Even though he had no evidence Saddam or Iraq were connected to al Qaida or the attack on our country, Donnie didn't want to attack Iraq the day after 9/11?"
"Nope."
"Thank you, that puts my mind at ease about Donald and your friends."
"He wanted to bomb the night of 9/11."
" . . . George."
"Yes, Mother?"
"Just because you have a hammer doesn't mean every problem is a nail."
"Just 'cause you have a hammer doesn't mean every problem isn't a nail. But isn't what you used to say: 'Just because you have a soup ladle doesn't mean everything's soup?'"
"No. I'd say, 'Just because you have a soup ladle - oh never mind!"
"No, go on, go on."
"Just because you have a soup ladle doesn't mean everybody gets soup."
"Same thing."
"I have to go now, George."
"Glad I could clear the enemy's news reports up for you, Mom."
"Thank you. I think your waffle iron's working now."
"Oh yeah. Good going, Ahmed. Make me a nice crispy one, not to thin. See ya' Mom."
"Bye, son."
"Remember, Laura, me and the Cheney's 'al be up this weekend."
"Needn't remind me. We'll put some Dowd on the barbie."
"Good one, Mom, good one. Love to Dad."
"Love to Laura and the girls."
"Bye."
"Bye."
April 4, 2004